derangedjdub's Blog

Babies First Christmas

Day 1) My drive to St. Simon's Ga. I am so tired I don't even want to write.  I left North Atlanta around 10 and arrived at 3:30ish. It POURED RAIN and Route 16 was HORRIBLE... no traffic, but the rain was so hard I could barely see a car length in front of me. The weather here is great. Temps at home are around 40's, but it is very BALMY here. Lolly is afraid of the ocean. Each time the waves would crash on the warf she would JUMP with a start and look at me to make sure everything was cool. A HUGE FREIGHTER was going through the bay while we were at the fishing Pier on St. Simons. It was surreal how big that ship was. Took some pics. Will post a YouTube video of my vacation pictures once I get a few more!  Wrapped presents and drank lots of wine at my Aunt's house. Ate Turkey, stuffing (cooked in the bird) Homemade cranberry sauce, and sweet potato for din. VERY delicious. We had a great time bonding and both were very happy to know we both smoke.. LMAO... Maybe that is strange, but coming from the cult... smoking is illegal and a big secret. She was trying to hold off having a smoke for my benefit.. Once she found out I am a dirty no good smoker my aunt gave me a big hug.  Funny how small things help to bind a friendship.

Day2) MERRY CHRISTMAS!! My day started walking Lolly to the Pier. Only a few other dog walkers were out. We all happily wished each other a Merry Christmas over the din of barking dogs! :) We had the village to ourselves at 7:00 Am, and it was a balmy morning. A couple of photogs were on the pier and they told me that dolphins were jumping. Lolly and I stayed for a while watching. I couldn't get a picture with my camera phone, but what a treat to see dolphins that morning! :-) After our walk we headed over to my cousins house. The door was open as I climbed up the steps. MERRY CHRISTMAS I called out. We were greeted by a MERRY CHRISTMAS from the kitchen and everyone started milling out into the entry to give me hugs and kisses. The house smelled so good. BREAKFAST! Classic fare, eggs, bacon, sausage, English muffins and croissants. I was immediately asked if I wanted an eggnog with whiskey or a mimosa... YES PLEASE!!! Eggnog with Whiskey at 8:30 am.. NICE!!!  The girls excited surrounded me! Lolly explored the house and got to run around in the back yard. The girls loved her. She was terrified of a guinea pig. LMAO... silly dog. I missed the prank joke - the GP's are not allowed on the couch. One of the girls brought in out onto the couch and after she was scolded scooped up the GP from off the couch, but left behind a pile of fake poop. The adults freaked- wished I had seen it.  The girls loved my stocking stuffer gifts, everything pink and sparkly.  My cousin and I haven't seen each other in a long time so we got to hang out and we watched PONYO together. YUP the two adult cousins  in our PJ's watching a cartoon movie for kids. It was great. It was a great Christmas morning. It was simply and comfortable, everybody enjoyed it. My cousin and her daughters loved Lolly which was nice since my mother has banished Lolly from her home for digging a hole in the backyard once.. 3 years ago. After the movie we walked the beach for a while.  Bright sunny day, low tide, people walking their dogs, more "MERRY CHRISTMAS" to all. After the beach my aunt and I made our family Lasagna recipe for dinner. MERRY CHRISTMAS! It was really a great day and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Easy, simple, sincere! (Again beach photos will be forthcoming)

My Blind Date wIth Superdoosh

We met online. One of those dating sites. Superdoosh who is originally from GA, who eight years ago moved to NYC, but will be in town for his brothers wedding.  After a few texts he asks if I have any pictures- PREGNANT PAUSE- I think (we havent even started being flirty- and tons of pics of me on the dating site- oh gawd- no game) Obviously the pause was long enough that he follows up with "you know of you and your friends".... I roll my eyes audibly! 
It just gets so stupid/funny/bizzare after that! Pre-date I am joking with the girls... I'm going out with a 31 year old virgin with no game. That's what we beyotches are calling him... The 31 yr old Virgin ( I actually get a bit nervous... what the hell am I going to do with this??) I decide to be myself, assuming I will scare him. (mistake)... we will get back to that.
Problem 1) YOU ASKED ME OUT MR CHIVALRY...I do all the work to set up the date... pick the place, pick the time... I found this to be... a bit annoying. I told Superdoosh to go to, and pick something that looked cool. (how hard can that be??) The only caveate.. I told him I hate Olive Garden. (need to set the tone with these country mice that move to the big city) Superdoosh sent me a text..."Seriously? I haven't lived here for 8 years I don't know where to go!?" ... I "lol'ed" it off and responded... "Where is your sense of adventure"...(IN MY HEAD??  ...dick). He also keeps offering to pick me up. Twice he suggested that he could come and get me, and twice I assured him I'd drive myself. (I'm already thinking... Rapist)
Problem 2) EAGER BEAVER  I decide on Lado Irish Pub in Midtown at 7:30PM. He is staying in Villa Rica - west of the city, and it seemed pretty central for both of us. I have never been to Lado's so I was excited about that. It is 7:20 PM I am on 400 south just before my exit, and he calls.  He is letting me know he is there, and am I there yet. When I tell him I am 10 minutes out, you can "hear" him pout... He kind of deflates, and ends the converstation with " I'll just stand here then"...(I starting laughing hysterically to myself in the car... REALLY he HAS TO BE a Virgin... if he can't figure out how to saddle up to the bar.. AND I AM NOT EVEN LATE.... yet)
7:40 I roll in. I turned the wrong way on Peachtree, and had to turn around at the Lennox Mall... and I missed the side street, but picked up Paces Ferry... got there Valet parked.. baddabing badda boom! I am totally relieved to find out he is at the bar. GOOD he isn't a moron.. (yet)  I walk up, happy, smiley..I give him a quick friendly hug. (GODDAMMIT) blonde with a ginger kid complexion, looking like almost identical to any number of assholes coming from UGA... FML... my vag instantly shrivels up!  We sit at the bar, which I am glad about - to me it is less formal. I order a Guinness, he orders an IPA, typical friendly banter...we get the menu's, order dinner.. ( side note - the bartender was taLL has dark hair, rockstar clothes, and HOTHOT HOT HOT - i caught myself staring...ooops) dinner arrives
Problem 3) HAVE YOU BEEN TO PRISON???    Recall that we are sitting at the bar, side-by-side. He is on my right. The plates are served, and he lays his left arm down on the bar in-between our plates.  He proceeds to shovel his meal into his mouth with his right hand.  There could be numerous reasons for this: 
He is a homeless junkie who hasn't eaten in a while (a bit to stocky for that one)
He is afraid the food might run off his place... (Corned Beef Dinner - it's dead)
He has been to prison, and experienced how the Alpha Males will take your jello  ( hmmm )
I am not sure how long I stared at him - long enough that I wondered how much time had lapsed, but not so long that he had finished his meal. (I think if I had been watching this transpire from across the bar I would be laughing on the floor for real, not just the ROTFLMFFAO laugh.) He finishes his dinner in Olympic Speed trial time, and I've eaten half my meal. Next the "FUN" starts.
Problem 4) FIRST DATES - I'M NOT FOR HIRE  After dinner I realize that he is moving in closer - almost sitting on my bar stool. I adjust my barstool, and move it over. He makes some comment half heartly apologizing, but still grabs my barstool, and pulls me closer to him. This happens 2 more times. I am sitting on the edge of my barstool contemplating if I should grab a third barstool and make a bench seat so that I have more room.
I find myself staring at his upper lip and comtemplating how much force is necessary to hit him in the upper lip/nose with the side of my hand. I don't want to break his nose, but some tears in the eyes.. how quick do I need to be, would he even see it coming, would he block my attempt? I want to go home.. blah blah blah.. oh.. that's right he's talking I should be listening... he is an expert in all topics...He is absolutely disrespecting my space. I will go to my grave maintaining that I was in no way overly familiar with this Superdoosh. I sat appropriately, and didn't touch him.
PROBLEM 5) YOURE A FUCKING GENIUS  a) knows everything about everything... b) talks over me  c) disagrees with me as if I don't know what I am talking about d) Insists boxed wine is better than bottled wine, and won't let it go. e) makes the best Martini on the planet - and in a condesending voice says.. "do you even know how to make a martini".... I find myself looking around the bar at everybody else. I wonder if they are having as much fun as me. Superdoosh is now trying to insist that I go to a movie. He is mapping out the theater, and lookig up show times.  It is already 11' o'clock, and I am not interested in getting into his car - or sit in a dark room alone with this mastermind! I have to say no to the movie twice, so you can Imagine how effective my "NO" might be if I was alone in his car?? Nevermind the fact that he is so close his hand starts to conveniently drift closer to my breasts...

PROBLEM 6: ESCAPE.  We wrap it up and he pays the tab.  We walk out and my car is parked two spots down from the front door!! JACKPOT!  We make some brief " so nice to met you" (coughs) ***bullsh*t** good-byes.. And he moves in for what I expected he expected would be the goodnight kiss.  We hug (as quickly as possible) and as I pull away from his Gingerkid know it all Superdoosh hug... HE LEANS IN FOR A KISS...anticipating this I shift my face COMPLETELY FAR RIGHT as my neck will crank... A full spin and some pee soup would have worked too!! Knowing he just got dissed the look on his face is as if I just kicked a puppy... "Welp bye! Thanks for dinner" ... And I get into my car as fast as I can!! 

My last blind date! 

Ps: I'm a lot of fun and normally don't have issues with anyone. References provided on request! 

Afraid for my Safety - do I get a gun??

A couple of months ago I am driving home from work, and as I enter my apartment complex there are three police cruisers at the leasing office. Later that afternoon when I am leaving to walk the dogs a notice has been put in my door. There were two forced entries. "LOVELY" I think... considering I am on the third floor, and have two dogs I doubt I am a likely candidate to be robbed. I mean.. If somebody really wants my IKEA futon, I will part with it. I make sure my deadbolt is always locked, and always pay attention to my surroundings if I am out late at night when coming home. Fast-forward to Wednesday Night, 8/22.

I'm sleeping, and it's probably 2 AM-ish. I hear my BlackLab-Border Collie growling. (UGH DAMN FREAKIN' DOG) She is just letting out a slow... low... long .. growl.... like she is "rumbling".  Assuming someone is walking their dog outside, because that's the only thing she will bark at I get up to take a look, and try to get my dog to stop growling.  I take a look out the window she is sitting at..she is still ggrroowwwlllinnng.  I see nothing. I check that the doors are locked, and get back into bed. I tried to call my dog to me, but she refuses to move from the window.  She continues to low long growl for what seems like forever.  I am actually getting a bit nervous. ZZZZZ

Thursday night 8/23 I am out walking the dogs at about 10:30 pm. I glance over to see two "dudes" standing in front of a maintenance garage. no reason to be there.. one of them starts to move around kind of  nervously. I back flash to the forced entries... 2 or 3 days prior to getting the notice I remember driving by that garage seeing two "dudes" standing there. There is no reason to stand there. It isn't a spot where someone would be waiting to get a ride, it is in a little dead end area of the complex. I march my ars back to my apartment, and call the courtesy office for our complex. I also start texting some of my friends. Two of my guy friends tell me to get a gun. One says that they were casing the complex. 

Friday AM... I take a stroll to the garage, and stand there. Now I can't see the garage from my apartment - but someone could see my apartment if they stood where those "dudes" were standing...I am a little bit nervous. 

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Previous Posts
Babies First Christmas, posted December 24th, 2012
My Blind Date wIth Superdoosh, posted October 4th, 2012, 7 comments
Afraid for my Safety - do I get a gun??, posted August 23rd, 2012, 7 comments

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